Choosing a life partner- really a gamble?


Marriage is one of the most important decision a human being takes in his/her life. Certainly any one would hate to put the wrong step forward in making choice about their life partner. In country like India where arrange marriage rules the roost (although things are changing pretty fast still..) it’s very tricky to judge your partner just in a meeting or two. So what’s the solution..frankly speaking even I don’t know, but few days only got one forwarded mail discussing regarding the same issue. Felt like sharing it with the blog world. check it out guys and feel free to make your comment on that.

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no
one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,
it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married,
they’ll say: ‘We’re in love’; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people
make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on
love. Though this may sound ‘not politically correct’, there’s a
profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of
a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love
will come. Let me say it again: ‘You can’t build a lifetime relationship
on love alone’; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about
finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for
20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you
plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or
(2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust ‒ i.e. trust that I won’t
get ‘punished’; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of
mine defines a good person as ‘someone who is always striving to be good
and do the right ‘;. So ask about your significant other: What do they
do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character
refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who
are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to
seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know
that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self‒ absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi
drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that
someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as
well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to ‘improve’; them after they’re married. As a colleague of
mine puts it: ‘You can probably expect someone to change after marriage
for the worse’ If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are
now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating;
to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don’t want to find yourself trouble because you didn’t
do your homework.

Another perspective…
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at
least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,
not‒going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention…Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones dont appreciate you?
Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and
caring words or annotations.

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and
truth around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets
to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your
life.

An African proverb states, ‘Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye’; Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self‒esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that
important.
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make
someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self‒esteem, spiritual discernment, and ‘a life’; you
won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness
or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,
etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will
replace.

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10 thoughts on “Choosing a life partner- really a gamble?

  1. man this post was helpful! trust me arranged marriage is a very enigmatic concept until u try and venture into it… its very painful…esp for the girls!

      1. even im in an enigmatic situation….currentky a proposal is in wait 4 me….my parents hav enqiured about d guy….n all stuff dey say….d guy with many relativs cam 2 c me….hes attractiv though….i feel hes attracted to my appearance only though he says he think that im a gud girl….wen i talk him thru fon i feel him as too serious….thru sms also i feel d sam….his cousins n all r encouraging n in an urgency 4 marg….but i feel totally strangled as i feel dis is not i want….as i always had a notion that my spouse’ relatives or family should not be so much accesible to my close but distant relativs….as dey r sooo ‘neat’.i fear unwanted interference of relativs in my life.but hes having so many cousins n relativs tat maks me tensed….
        i think he is not upto my expectation.But as always my parents hav showered their pressure upon me….now im feared coz if i reject dis proposal,and if i dint get a suitable guy(im already 24,jobless,engg graduate) im dead sure all will turn me down….no wonder as i havnt got any emotional support from my family….no one understands me….even though i lov dem a lot.
        so pls any one help what should i do?accept familys findings and that guys and keep their happiness 1st preference or wait or choose anothr 1?what ques should i ask him?i wud feel guilty if i hurt him.i beliv in horoscope but he doesnt,im religious but after his father passed away he says he has only 50.50 belief.what all ques more should i ask to confirm if he is ryt 4 me?all need to knw about my marg but im not at all prepared.He says if im intrsted nxt after 3mnths engagmnt den in april or so marg will be better to eachother.i m confused within that period if i feel as i feel now how could i reject den?all the rumors and criticism will be upon me,as everyone including parents tell hes very gud,may be gud but presently i dnt feel compatible….even our zodiacs….im a typical aquarian n he was born on july 2.i always had a thot tat i need 2 undergo a premarital counselling….is that enuf?
        ANYONE PLSSSS GIVE ME A BETTER ADVICE AND SUPPORT….

  2. hmmm..even I don’t know what’s in store for me…being a guy..I would love to see what will be my situation when i reach to this situation of my life..fingers crossed 😉

  3. My Bio-Data

    Name: Nandkishor Arvind Dhekane

    Address: 541 Budhawar Peth,
    Pune: 411002.

    (: 24457135.
    Mobile: 9960707990

    Date of Birth Date: 23/3/1974.

    Age: 33.

    E-mail= nandudhekane@adpost.com/nandu.dhekane7@gmail.com

    Edu. Qualification: B.A. Pass [2007]

    Computer Courses: DTP, Visual Basic, C, C++, VC++, Oracle, Core Java, html, xml, Microsoft Access, Adobe Gif Animation.
    Programming Language Developer,
    COBOL, DBASE, Pascal, ASP.Net Visual Foxpro,Webpage Design & Development, Hardware & Networking, MS Office.
    MSCIT Pass On November 2005.

    Other Skill:e-book software Development, Graphic & Design Development

    Advance Programming Skill: SQL, Javascript, vb script [MS PowerPoint resentation]Lotus Approach, Lotus Freelance Graphics.

    Special Programming Skill: Web Software Developent In MS Office 2000.
    Occupation: Homebase Software Development Jobs.

    Area of Interests: Advertising & Multimedia Presentation Software Development

    Designation: Multimedia Software Engineer.

    Homebase Jobs: Data Entry. Nearly 1 year.

    Software Projects: Mobile Radio, Calculater & Notepad.[My Own Software Projects].
    Websites http://www.Info-CD.in.htm

    Family Particulars: I have no father, brothers, sisters.I stay with my mother.

  4. How come I missed this 1 uptil now??!!
    I’hv been having similar thoughts abt the subject off late..n’ u hv framed it in words quite well…but at the end, its NOT ur will to marry sm1 n’ not the odr 1; rather its DESTINY!!! No??!!!

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